The Scooter & Dick Chronicles Part 2
I met Scooter & Dick at the Bugbiter towards the end of my stay in Vancouver. They were (and are) too young Aussies from the Gold Coast who look(ed) like coasties/AFL players. The young lads (Dick 19, Scooter 23) spent most of their time on the balcony playing chess and drinking Canadian Club whiskey. A bottle a night. They upgraded from 750ml to litre bottles by the time I left.
We first became mates when we headed out to a Brit pop night one Thursday. As it happened, we all had our charm boots on (over our drinking shoes) and I believe it was our collective success which established our friendship. We had barely arrived at the Cellar before Dick had met a nice young lady, I had directed my best banter in the direction of a lovely young Torontonion and Scooter had danced with an overweight man in his mid-forties.
--- I can't remember what Dick's girl was like or what happend to her (Dick?). I do, however, vividly remember that my companion left with her brother, who was a most unwelcome appendage (sigh). I don't think Scooter's dance partner was that way inclined - in fact I think he was more inclined to deck the scraggly haired lad (as Scooter's advances were clearly the fruit of an incredibly humourous dare).
I should mention, for the sake of the their reputations, that Scooter and Dick met two nice Swiss (Austrian?) lasses at a bus stop on the way home. ---
After I moved out of the Bugbiter, Scooter and Dick took an apartment under the brothel next door (the apartments were owned by the Bugbiter). They lived with a couple of quiet Koreans, a crazy Japanese guy called Charlie (well, who they called Charlie because they couldn't understand him), a comedian/porn actor ("I'm not a star yet") and Mike & Mike's Girlfriend. These living arrangements made us closer by virtue of the fact we were all in love with Mike's Girlfriend - a beautiful, shy, diminunative, Chinese/Canadian who, admittedly, was a little thick.
Mike was a classic stoner from "Timons, Ontario". I write that in quotation marks because I can't think of those words without hearing Mike's Canadian stoner drone. The first time we met the red-headed upstart was when he came upstairs for Saturday free beer at the Bugbiter - where he made quite an impression as the result of a certain quip:
One of the many resident Mexicans had come out of the hostel, sat down between Mike & I, said 'cheers' and then didn't actually cheers (clink beer glasses that is). He was quickly told off by the majority of people at the table, he had breached drinking ettiquette. He had committed the crime of not cheersing after 'cheers'ing. "You can't say "cheers' and not cheers!" we yelled with moral outrage. Mike said, "Yeah, it's like reading a book with your feet".
At some point that evening Mike's Girlfriend came up the stairs. She put her hands on her hips and gave Mike an icy stare like no other I've seen. He didn't react. I think he may have had a puff on his joint but otherwise - he didn't react.
Mike and Mike's Girlfriend pretty much kept to themselves until the joint efforts of Scooter, Dick and I got them talking. At first they'd walk into the apartments and head straight for their room without even so much as a nod in our direction. We used to say, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING!" when they came in, as part of a campaign to befriend the seemingly unbefriendable couple. We eventually wore them down and Mike started talking. And then he didn't he come out with some sh*t. One day he said, "Last night I took some drugs... No, it was a couple of weeks ago. No it must have been a few months ago. ((pause)) I haven't done drugs in a long time."
Most of the time Mike talked about his beloved home town of 'Timons, Ontario'. "You should really go to Timons, Ontario. It's a really cool place. Shania Twain is from there, but don't hold that against it. It's a really cool place. If you're ever in Timons, Ontario, you should stay with my parents. I don't think I'll be there but you can stay with my parents. They're cool."
Once, Mike was warning us off doing mushrooms (like I was going to do mushrooms). "Mushrooms are bad. They freaked me out when I did them Sunday. I was really bummed out the next day... It was pretty cool when were on it though. The colours looked really cool. ((turns to His Girlfriend)). Do you want to do mushrooms tonight?"
As mentioned before, Mike's Girlfriend wasn't the smartest suit in the wardrobe. Her classic moment was when Trent, an incredibly Aussie bloke (we're talking Wayne Aussie - if you remember him), enquired as to whether or not she would be making the most of the weekend.
"So, you gonna get amongst it tonight?"
"Huh?"
"Are you gonna stir things up?" ((motions as if stirring a 50 litre can of paint))
"Huh?"
"Are you gonna to put both hands on the stick and see where it takes you?" ((puts both hands on an invisible stick and watches where it goes))
"Huh?"
((silence))
The house comedian/porn actor was a guy from Toronto named DJ. I was funnier than DJ (I know you were wondering) but he was a genuinely good guy. He came out with us a few times and always carried a hand towel, which he tucked into the collar of his shirt so he could wipe the sweat off his forehead while dancing. DJ claimed that the towel provided a good talking point with girls. I never saw any evidence of that.
Anyway, DJs career path took a turn into the scrub (so to speak - sorry, mum) one night after a gig. Part of his show (apparently - we never did see him perform) was a segment about how he wanted to be a porn star. A film maker (set phasers to 'euphemism') approached him and said, "do you really want to be a porn star?". DJ said, "sure do!". "Well here's my card. Give me a call one you get your STDs done".
DJ duly got his STDs done and phoned the guy. "Where do you live? I'll pick you up in fifteen". And thus DJ's "adult thespian" (his words) career began. I'll spare you the details.
Charlie was nuts. He jumped up and down a lot and repeated what you'd say back to him ceaselessly. I kind of thought he was funny. Scooter and Dick had him evicted.
Back to the heroes of our story. Before leaving Aus, Dick worked the afternoon shift at a Subway. He'd take over from the manager each day, at which point he'd lock the door and lie down behind the counter for a nap. Post-nap he'd make a sub for himself and one for the guy at the liquor store next door. After exchanging the foot-long for beer he'd begin the process of turning his six pack into nothing more than a pack. His manager cottoned on to what he was doing and fired his sorry ar*e. But he did so with a smile, because although Dick had ripped him off, he did it in style.
I think Scooter was employed at a Video store as well as working on his drunken vagueness in his spare time. Now Scoots is a sharp man when sober (quite a chess player), and he has been known to produce a witty barb when on the sauce, howwwweverrrr, he is famous for drunken vagueness. Not his punk band but his most prominent personality trait.
An example: one day Scoots was with his mates on a beach. He was drinking VB, they were drinking XXXX. Scooter noticed that under the XXXX label was the word "bitter". He saw his opportunity to goad his inferior-quality-beer drinking mates.
"Bitter? That's not a very nice taste is it?"
((collective stares))
He continued certain of his stance, "Well, it's not! Bitter? Who wants to drink something bitter?!" ((One can imagine a short fat blackhaired German man shouting this with equal vigour))
"Um, Scott. What does VB stand for?" (Victoria Bitter for those non-Aussies reading)
"Sh*t"
He also (sorry mate), came up with a corker when he first came for a visit to Edinburgh.
(My good friend) Zara to all present: "It was the epitome of stupidity"
Scooter, "The word's epiphany Zorro."
"Huh?"
"There's no such word as epitome."
When it came time to leave Vancouver, Scooter & Dick decided to do a runner on their rent because they felt they had been mistreated by their landlord Vince (my words). Scooter woke up on their last day to see Dick holding the room's coffee table upside down over his head.
"Dick, what are you doing?"
"I'm glueing the table to the roof. Give us a hand."
And with that the boys set to work glueing everything to the roof exactly as it had appeared on the floor. I read once that the Rolling Stones did this in a hotel in New Zealand - the room then becoming a tourist attraction with management making money out of what seemed at first to be vandalism. I'm not sure what happened when Vince saw his (scummy little alley side) apartment literally turned upside-down.
I'm going to stop writing now as it's really nice outside and I've rambled on enough. You should go to Timons, Ontario sometime.
Postscript
Dick went back to Aus, worked in the Whitsunday's somewhere and is now, reportedly, selling raffle tickets for commission.
Scooter is living in Middlesbrough working as a cellar man at the Walkabout and has been to Edinburgh twice for a couple of massive weekends at the my old backpackers. He bought me an orange gnome for my birthday. It wolf whistles when you walk past.
We first became mates when we headed out to a Brit pop night one Thursday. As it happened, we all had our charm boots on (over our drinking shoes) and I believe it was our collective success which established our friendship. We had barely arrived at the Cellar before Dick had met a nice young lady, I had directed my best banter in the direction of a lovely young Torontonion and Scooter had danced with an overweight man in his mid-forties.
--- I can't remember what Dick's girl was like or what happend to her (Dick?). I do, however, vividly remember that my companion left with her brother, who was a most unwelcome appendage (sigh). I don't think Scooter's dance partner was that way inclined - in fact I think he was more inclined to deck the scraggly haired lad (as Scooter's advances were clearly the fruit of an incredibly humourous dare).
I should mention, for the sake of the their reputations, that Scooter and Dick met two nice Swiss (Austrian?) lasses at a bus stop on the way home. ---
After I moved out of the Bugbiter, Scooter and Dick took an apartment under the brothel next door (the apartments were owned by the Bugbiter). They lived with a couple of quiet Koreans, a crazy Japanese guy called Charlie (well, who they called Charlie because they couldn't understand him), a comedian/porn actor ("I'm not a star yet") and Mike & Mike's Girlfriend. These living arrangements made us closer by virtue of the fact we were all in love with Mike's Girlfriend - a beautiful, shy, diminunative, Chinese/Canadian who, admittedly, was a little thick.
Mike was a classic stoner from "Timons, Ontario". I write that in quotation marks because I can't think of those words without hearing Mike's Canadian stoner drone. The first time we met the red-headed upstart was when he came upstairs for Saturday free beer at the Bugbiter - where he made quite an impression as the result of a certain quip:
One of the many resident Mexicans had come out of the hostel, sat down between Mike & I, said 'cheers' and then didn't actually cheers (clink beer glasses that is). He was quickly told off by the majority of people at the table, he had breached drinking ettiquette. He had committed the crime of not cheersing after 'cheers'ing. "You can't say "cheers' and not cheers!" we yelled with moral outrage. Mike said, "Yeah, it's like reading a book with your feet".
At some point that evening Mike's Girlfriend came up the stairs. She put her hands on her hips and gave Mike an icy stare like no other I've seen. He didn't react. I think he may have had a puff on his joint but otherwise - he didn't react.
Mike and Mike's Girlfriend pretty much kept to themselves until the joint efforts of Scooter, Dick and I got them talking. At first they'd walk into the apartments and head straight for their room without even so much as a nod in our direction. We used to say, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING!" when they came in, as part of a campaign to befriend the seemingly unbefriendable couple. We eventually wore them down and Mike started talking. And then he didn't he come out with some sh*t. One day he said, "Last night I took some drugs... No, it was a couple of weeks ago. No it must have been a few months ago. ((pause)) I haven't done drugs in a long time."
Most of the time Mike talked about his beloved home town of 'Timons, Ontario'. "You should really go to Timons, Ontario. It's a really cool place. Shania Twain is from there, but don't hold that against it. It's a really cool place. If you're ever in Timons, Ontario, you should stay with my parents. I don't think I'll be there but you can stay with my parents. They're cool."
Once, Mike was warning us off doing mushrooms (like I was going to do mushrooms). "Mushrooms are bad. They freaked me out when I did them Sunday. I was really bummed out the next day... It was pretty cool when were on it though. The colours looked really cool. ((turns to His Girlfriend)). Do you want to do mushrooms tonight?"
As mentioned before, Mike's Girlfriend wasn't the smartest suit in the wardrobe. Her classic moment was when Trent, an incredibly Aussie bloke (we're talking Wayne Aussie - if you remember him), enquired as to whether or not she would be making the most of the weekend.
"So, you gonna get amongst it tonight?"
"Huh?"
"Are you gonna stir things up?" ((motions as if stirring a 50 litre can of paint))
"Huh?"
"Are you gonna to put both hands on the stick and see where it takes you?" ((puts both hands on an invisible stick and watches where it goes))
"Huh?"
((silence))
The house comedian/porn actor was a guy from Toronto named DJ. I was funnier than DJ (I know you were wondering) but he was a genuinely good guy. He came out with us a few times and always carried a hand towel, which he tucked into the collar of his shirt so he could wipe the sweat off his forehead while dancing. DJ claimed that the towel provided a good talking point with girls. I never saw any evidence of that.
Anyway, DJs career path took a turn into the scrub (so to speak - sorry, mum) one night after a gig. Part of his show (apparently - we never did see him perform) was a segment about how he wanted to be a porn star. A film maker (set phasers to 'euphemism') approached him and said, "do you really want to be a porn star?". DJ said, "sure do!". "Well here's my card. Give me a call one you get your STDs done".
DJ duly got his STDs done and phoned the guy. "Where do you live? I'll pick you up in fifteen". And thus DJ's "adult thespian" (his words) career began. I'll spare you the details.
Charlie was nuts. He jumped up and down a lot and repeated what you'd say back to him ceaselessly. I kind of thought he was funny. Scooter and Dick had him evicted.
Back to the heroes of our story. Before leaving Aus, Dick worked the afternoon shift at a Subway. He'd take over from the manager each day, at which point he'd lock the door and lie down behind the counter for a nap. Post-nap he'd make a sub for himself and one for the guy at the liquor store next door. After exchanging the foot-long for beer he'd begin the process of turning his six pack into nothing more than a pack. His manager cottoned on to what he was doing and fired his sorry ar*e. But he did so with a smile, because although Dick had ripped him off, he did it in style.
I think Scooter was employed at a Video store as well as working on his drunken vagueness in his spare time. Now Scoots is a sharp man when sober (quite a chess player), and he has been known to produce a witty barb when on the sauce, howwwweverrrr, he is famous for drunken vagueness. Not his punk band but his most prominent personality trait.
An example: one day Scoots was with his mates on a beach. He was drinking VB, they were drinking XXXX. Scooter noticed that under the XXXX label was the word "bitter". He saw his opportunity to goad his inferior-quality-beer drinking mates.
"Bitter? That's not a very nice taste is it?"
((collective stares))
He continued certain of his stance, "Well, it's not! Bitter? Who wants to drink something bitter?!" ((One can imagine a short fat blackhaired German man shouting this with equal vigour))
"Um, Scott. What does VB stand for?" (Victoria Bitter for those non-Aussies reading)
"Sh*t"
He also (sorry mate), came up with a corker when he first came for a visit to Edinburgh.
(My good friend) Zara to all present: "It was the epitome of stupidity"
Scooter, "The word's epiphany Zorro."
"Huh?"
"There's no such word as epitome."
When it came time to leave Vancouver, Scooter & Dick decided to do a runner on their rent because they felt they had been mistreated by their landlord Vince (my words). Scooter woke up on their last day to see Dick holding the room's coffee table upside down over his head.
"Dick, what are you doing?"
"I'm glueing the table to the roof. Give us a hand."
And with that the boys set to work glueing everything to the roof exactly as it had appeared on the floor. I read once that the Rolling Stones did this in a hotel in New Zealand - the room then becoming a tourist attraction with management making money out of what seemed at first to be vandalism. I'm not sure what happened when Vince saw his (scummy little alley side) apartment literally turned upside-down.
I'm going to stop writing now as it's really nice outside and I've rambled on enough. You should go to Timons, Ontario sometime.
Postscript
Dick went back to Aus, worked in the Whitsunday's somewhere and is now, reportedly, selling raffle tickets for commission.
Scooter is living in Middlesbrough working as a cellar man at the Walkabout and has been to Edinburgh twice for a couple of massive weekends at the my old backpackers. He bought me an orange gnome for my birthday. It wolf whistles when you walk past.
posted by woden pete @ 12:34 AM
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